When a good deed goes bad

Matt and I were heading into our local organic market on Sunday when a homeless man approached us, asking for some money. I told him I didn't have any cash on me, but I'd be happy to buy him a sandwich. It's Christmas, after all. He jumped at the chance and followed us inside.

As soon as we walked in the door, the man turned to me and said, "Wow. I've never been in here. They sure have a lot of vegetable things. Do they have real food, too?" This is about the time I should have realized that this plan would not go as smoothly as planned.

While Matt grabbed the items on our list, I took the man to the packaged sandwich case in the back of the store. "Let's see," I said as we looked at the selection. "We have vegetarian 'chicken,' vegetarian 'tuna,' grilled tofu..." "Tofu?!" he shouted. "And what's vegetarian chicken? I didn't think vegetarians ate chickens." I started to explain that it was soy and would taste just like chicken, but I decided against it. I suggested the bean burrito, something with avocado...he wasn't interested. He spent a good five minutes inspecting all the sandwiches, grabbing each one, inspecting it and putting it back. "Are you all making any other stops today?" he finally asked me. "You know, I could get a double cheeseburger and fries for $2 at McDonald's." I told him this was our only stop and suggested that the "chicken" salad would taste just like the real thing. If I was going to buy this man a meal, I was going to get him something more nutritious than a dollar-menu special. He sighed and agreed.

I asked if he would like some dessert, too. I reached for some gluten-free brownies, and he asked me "Are these real brownies? Do vegetarians eat brownies?" I figured gluten or no gluten, they'd taste like the real thing. "They're real," I said.

Figuring the guy probably would need some vitamins or would like a snack for later, I suggested that he grab a milk to drink. "Get the chocolate one," I said. "Yeah, I'll cheat," he replied. I also suggested that he get some snack chips or pretzels. He told me that his teeth are falling out, so he couldn't eat pretzels. He accepted a bag of chips, but only after telling me that they were "funny chips."

When we left the store, the man thanked us, and he headed back up the road with his "My Organic Market" grocery bag filled with vegetarian, gluten-free, organic goodies. Matt surmised that, even though the man was ravenously hungry, he'd take a bite of the "chicken" salad sandwich and throw it out. He also guessed that the man's homeless friends would make fun of him because of his fancy schmance lunch. I figured he'd probably cover by saying something like, "Yeah, some guilty white lady insisted that I get this stuff. I just wanted $2 for a cheeseburger."