Theirs were dark and stormy sentences.

The winners of the 26th annual Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest were announced this week. Named for the author of the immortal--and often parodied--sentence "It was a dark and stormy night," the contest awards a prize for the worst opening sentence of a non-existent novel. This year's grand prize winner is from right here in the Washington area, and it's a true gem:

Theirs was a New York love, a checkered taxi ride burning rubber, and like the city their passion was open 24/7, steam rising from their bodies like slick streets exhaling warm, moist, white breath through manhole covers stamped "Forged by DeLaney Bros., Piscataway, N.J."

You can't get much better (or worse) than comparing love to a manhole cover made in New Jersey. The complete list of winners has more great entries; these are a few of my favorites:

Winner: Romance
Bill swore the affair had ended, but Louise knew he was lying, after discovering Tupperware containers under the seat of his car, which were not the off-brand containers that she bought to save money, but authentic, burpable, lidded Tupperware; and she knew he would see that woman again, because unlike the flimsy, fake containers that should always be recycled responsibly, real Tupperware must be returned to its rightful owner.

Runner-up: Science Fiction
Lightning flashed from the blue-black sky of this alien world and shattered the engines of the spaceship, destroying Reninger's last chance of escaping and reminding him of the time his sister returned from New York with the tips of her hair dyed blue, except for the part about the lightning and the spaceship.

Miscellaneous Dishonorable Mentions:
Behind his pearly white smile lay a Bible black heart, not like the Psalms with its, "Make a joyful noise unto the Lord," but like Revelations where God just smites people.

Her name was Mauve, like the color of paint, which was apt: not only was she "pretty as a painting," she was also "smart as paint," and certainly as thin (assuming sufficient solvents had been added); she was, however, Arnold discovered when she stepped from the shower, a lot more fun to watch dry.

Like almost every other post-Hegelian neo-hipster angst monkey at Evergreen State College in Olympia, Rene flatly rejected the labels society placed upon him.


One really has to be a good writer to write that badly! Kudos to all of this year's winners.